After a brief (4 month) prison sentence for violating not one but FOUR cease and desist letters, The O’Skizzy is excited to even see the light of day. While I was out, I was saddened to hear that all 5 staff writers were involved in a sex tape scandal, that I’ve been told, rocked the office. They since then been removed from their positions to lead a care-free sexual lifestyle. That being said, it is important to me to remain professional in the work-place. I’ve removed all of the sex toys and other distractions from the office and am now dedicated to only delivering the most serious and pressing of news and cultural events. No more funny stuff. Now that I’m older, and much wiser, I have realized that making slapstick shots at issues that some students find offensive, does nothing to progress society in a worthwhile and positive way. To that I say: New leaf! No longer will The O’Skizzy be filled with vulgarities and rantings about fraternizing Greek students, but now kindergartners planting daisy’s, and patting my friend Steven on the back for finally getting that “B” in Marketing 2103. These are the kind of stories that change and “soften” society.

Perhaps it’s all bullshit (except for the sex tape scandal) and you as a reader are in for a bigger treat in the coming weeks. Are you in?

~Team O’Skizzy

AUSTIN TX (O’SKIZZY)– Earlier today the animal activist organization PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, released a statement chastising both Pistol Pete for his performance against Bevo (which had caused supposed mental anguish) and Oklahoma State Athletics for its grotesque slaughter of the Longhorns from the University of Texas.

This came as no surprise to the students, faculty, and residents of Austin who told the O’Skizzy “We figured this was coming… First those Damn Sooners tame us, then the Cowboys murder us… At least we can now answer the age old question: Where’s the Beef?”(Samantha Bryer, 19 UT Junior)

Not all parties involved have been as thrilled to answer age old relics as Samantha, Morgan Statham spokesperson for PETA Told The O’Skizzy in a recent interview “I swear to God, if the cowboys lay one more finger on the horns, I’m just going to snap, and… oh god I’m gonna cry..”

He was unable to continue.

Mack Brown, the University of Texas head football coach told The O’Skizzy that “I’m not quite certain PETA understands the finer points, or even the theoretical concept of Football. They send us several tons of livestock feed a month, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve tried to tell them several times to cut it out, but they keep mumbling about the greater good or some shit. I bet they’re high… Would you like to continue our date at the Sizzler?”

For now, Pete and the Gang face no formal charges, and rangers have stop answering PETA’s complaints most likely because they are preparing for the World Series whatever that means; PETA however is on close call as the team will move next week to harass poor innocent bears.

STILLWATER OK (O’SKIZZY)–  In an inspirational story of rally and determination, The Oklahoma State Cowboy’s (now 4-0) defeated Texas A&M Aggie’s (now 3-1) in their final season as a part of the BIG XII. It was in no way an easy road. The first half was overwhelmingly dominated by the Aggie’s offense. It is reported that it was not a pep talk, but a morale building field trip to Chuck E Cheese’s is what inspired Weeden and company to rally for a Cowboy victory in Texas this past Saturday.

In an exclusive O’Skizzy Interview head coach Mike Gundy said that “We knew something had to be done and the closest McDonald’s PlayPlace was under construction, so the answer was pretty clear. We just weren’t making tackles, and unnecessary penalties were ruining the tempo of our offense. That’s really something that only Chuck can fix.”

After a short altercation with the hostess about wait time, The team proceeded to watch the animatronic show which soothed their nerves, and the pizza filled their stomachs in a way that made them feel more comfortable and confident about the second half.

STILLWATER OK (O’SKIZZY)– According to sources, This past Tuesday when Mike Gundy walked into Starbucks Coffee on Hall of Fame, He was abused verbally and emotionally for wearing an “Aspen Coffee” shirt on the businesses Premises.

“I mean come on! you’re really going to wear that trash in my house?” said Starbucks barista James Prayor.

Mike Gundy later revealed that he was “Only going in to get some free ice water anyways.”

Later in a press conference James admitted that “Perhaps I should not have gone off on the successful BIG XII head football coach like I did,” and continued to make a public apology. No charges were made, and sources indicate that feelings are not hurt,

Oklahoma State University’s Public Relations manager Jerry Caldwell explained to The O’Skizzy in a recent interview that from now on, no one should wear clothing that contradicts the location in which it is visible. Caldwell suggests this for products, restaurants, universities, bars and clubs.

The university is currently considering placing a ban on any clothing worn on campus that promotes or displays any other universities name or logo. The ban is tentatively set to go into effect this November. Following these guidelines in the meantime, however, may decrease the amount of ridicule one receives, and prevent vicious attacks like that of the one on head coach Mike Gundy this past week.

STILLWATER (O’SKIZZY) – Two of Stillwater’s top gentlemen’s clubs are now battling for a franchise opportunity within the Student Union upon its completion. With the Student Union still going under construction, Taylor Hayes, GM, says “we are keeping our options spread open…very open.”

According to the OSU Board of Trustees, the Student Union is scheduled to be completed during the fall of 2011. With months left until doors open, professional entertainers are beginning to worry about their future employment.

“I think it would be a great opportunity to penetrate an untapped market,” says Dragons Lair entertainer Hannah Flemming, the clubs highest paid starlet. “But I am afraid of how many girls will be picked up from this; I have co-workers stressing out about how they will pay for their kid’s mud wrestling lessons.”

Additional concerns are being addressed regarding how the performers will be compensated due to the exclusivity of the location. Both gentlemen’s clubs boast a $7.80 per hour minimum wage with an additional dollar raise for each negative STD screening along with any teeth in remaining in their mouths. “It gives each employee a chance to pursue the American Dream, jerk it around enough and it’ll come…I mean pay off,” Flemming says, “I mean, I started out at $9.80 because I had just gotten rid of my gonorrhea and crabs, so I can afford to pay for that special school for my crack baby.”

OSU President V. Burns Hargis will be meeting with each club owner on May 6 to discuss the logistics of this revolutionary form of on campus entertainment along with the fact that performers will be paid in Taco Mayo food stamps. “I’ve always wanted performance stages with stripper poles in the Atrium,” Hargis said, “It’ll bring a distinct environment that no other university has.”

STILLWATER OK (O’SKIZZY)– After sediment analysis and testing by Clear Blue Pools, and Stillwater Apartment Standards Association, University Health Services (UHS) confirmed the discovery of 341 new strands of sexually transmitted diseases in the water of the popular housing complex’s pool. UHS released the following press release after the influx of “sores and discoloration” on students who claim James Creek as their place of residence:

“On August 27 2011, analyst James Mranza tested the chemical composition of the water in the James Creek pool complex and as a result we are issuing a strong warning for those who frequent the pool. If you must enter the water for any reason, wear a hazmat suit equipped with military grade visibility instruments, just in case.

Notable traces in the water consisted of the following:

-Keystone Light

-Miller High Life

-Several cans of Axe Body Spray

-Off Brand Chanel Perfume

-Dangerous trace amounts of Aluminum

-Mysterious sticky white substance

In addition we conducted a separate chemical composition analysis in the hot tub, and we found that water in this container was comprised of 78% of the mysterious white sticky substance”

—————

Since the press release was issued to the general public, UHS confirmed the unknown substance to be semen.

Jeremy “Fratstar” Bentwood told The O’Skizzy “Yeah thats really gross and shit about the stuff in the water and everything, but I’m not gonna stop chillin’ at the pool just because some dude with a “degree” tells me it’s dangerous.” as he packed up his Keystones on his way out the door to the pool. “I mean the hot slampieces will be there, and they don’t care about this health thing… They don’t care about nothin.”

James Creek housing commission says they will increase the chlorine consumption of the pools waters but sources and O’Skizzy lead science correspondents have indicated that no matter how many chlorine tablets are inserted into the pools cleaning schedule, it could probably still use a few more…

SODA president Jenny Steadmeier, formerly Jerry, began organizing the event after Cher’s failed attempt at rebooting Mike Nichols’ The Birdcage in 2002.

“She’s just such an inspiration to so many people in the community. It would be wrong for me to not follow in her footsteps.” Steadmeier exclaimed. “I truly feel this is the mission God put me on this Earth to carry out.”
So far the star studded lineup consists of Melissa Ethridge, George Michael, Elton John, Boy George, KD Lang, and Prince performing a duet with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

The event has not been met without protest however. Local religious groups consisting of Christians, Muslims, Jews, and surprisingly Wiccans have formed a coalition calling themselves People of Praise (POP) in order to prevent the concerts from happening.

“This is just another example of the soulless heathens trying to convert our children to homosexuality by strangling their souls with feather boas and drowning them in glitter.” proclaimed Julie Meder, leader of POP.
Ms. Meder made headlines during the spring semester due to her letter to the Daily O’Collegian expressing her opinion on the Dragonfly charity drag show put on by SUAB.
Despite protests, the concert series is still expected to go on during August 7th and 8th on Library Lawn with tickets costing $10 per day. In related news, former N’Sync member Lance Bass will resume his pursuit of being the first gay man in space…as far as we know.

Grand Prairie TX (O’SKIZZY)– as explained by Six Flags corporate headquarters this past Tuesday, the construction that has taken place in Stillwater Oklahoma over the last two and a half years merely a few feet away from T.Boone Pickens Stadium, has been the ground work for what they say will be the most exciting Six Flags amusement park in company history.

“We are very excited at the prospect of opening our newest addition to the Six Flags family here in Stillwater. I mean, this has been in the works for quite a while, and to be honest, it’s long overdue” said CEO and majority shareholder Bernie La’Fuentes.

La’Fuentes, along with several venture capitalists have been lobbying for Six Flags arrival to Stillwater for the last five to six years.

The park is scheduled to open in July of 2014, with all rides completely functional.

Among the notable rides, is the Big Oklahoman, which is like the Big Texan, but smaller, and the King Kosmos, a lesser known Superman villain, have been confirmed and cleared for construction.

In addition to roller coasters, the park will also feature several attractions that are water based, including the Trail of Tears. “its kind of a somber ride, but the shoe fits..” said designer Mike Dickson.

This feather has been observed in 76.2% of participants in a volunteer study.

Over the course of 6-9 months, the affected population will experience a slow transformation from the human form to a bird form.

Researchers are still baffled as to why this scientific phenomenon has occurred on OSU’s campus.

Some experts say the evidence points to toxins in the drinking water. Students and residents are advised to always drink water using a filtration system. Additionally, testing sites have been set up in both the University Health Services, and Stillwater Medical Center to help locate the toxin in the general population.
Below is a list of recommendations for students and natives suffering from the human-avian transformation:

- Avoid the urge to attempt any kind of aviation. unless you are licensed to do so
- Do not see Avatar.
- Avoid bird watching, as it’s now creepy
- Buy a worm farm
- If the rate of transformation increases, seek medical help.

Stephanie Meaker, an elementary education sophomore recently tested positive for the phenomenon by means of a physical feather extending from the left side of the scalp. In a recent interview, she told The O’Skizzy “It saddens me to have this diagnosis hanging over me, that being said, this mutation is incredibly fashionable.”

Though the search for the cure continues, because of its mysterious origins, researchers have little information to work with. If the  situation continues, the federal government is set to issue a formal health warning to the public; though there is no news about what they will actually do.

STILLWATER (O’SKIZZY)- The U.S. Navy and Twitter have confirmed today that Oklahoma State University mascot Pistol Pete took direct part in yesterday’s operation in Pakistan and did in fact fire the two shots that brought down the terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden.

Once out of Pakistani airspace Pete tweeted to his followers “A double tap may not kill @LordVoldemort but it sure kills Osama Bin Laden. Hope he doesn’t have any horcruxes. BOOM HEADSHOT!  #merica #winning”
Upon the return of the 20 man team of Navy SEALs to the USS Carl Vinson a burial at sea in shark infested waters was given to Bin Laden in accordance with Islamic law.

The O’Skizzy’s Ryan Jenkins was given access to Pete on the aircraft carrier for interviews however both were preoccupied because Katy Perry and Christina Hendricks were having a pillow fight on Pete’s bed while wearing American flag bikinis.

As to why Pistol Pete was chosen to be a part of the operation, President Hargis revealed on his video blog that “Pistol Pete has been working with the government since the mid-90s as a counter-terrorist operative. Remember when that Canadian general launched nukes at every major U.S. city? Exactly.  Or remember the time Kennedy got…wait, bad example. Quite frankly he makes James Bond look like a kid having sex for the first time, every time.”
President Hargis continued to praise Pete while unknowingly referencing the plots to Die Hard 3 and The Incredibles.
The release of the after-action report by the White House has also put to rest the burning questions regarding Pete’s rare appearances around campus this past month.

U.S. Special Operations Commander Adm. Eric Olson stated in a press conference that a cover story was established by “Playing off the well publicized fact that Pete and Princess Catherine had a love child in 2004; an arrangement was made with the British Royal Family that a body-double was to stand in for Pete at the royal wedding. To our success the double’s cover was never compromised which ultimately contributed to the success of the overall mission.”

In related news, a British student is on the loose after stabbing a bartender at Stonewall Tavern last week. Police say he has an unusually large head and chin and was last seen wearing a sombrero.